Relationships – Figuring It Out

Pet Loss – Finding Joy in Grief

Young or old, almost all of us who have had the pleasure of owning a pet, have reached that inevitable point where we lose them, due to old age, accidents, or disease. It’s sadder and often more heartbreaking than we acknowledge sometimes. And as I have noticed, the older I get, the more pets get added to the list of Rainbow Bridge crossers.

After having to put down our old cat last year, and watching others deal with losing their own special pets, it got me thinking about our beloved animals, what they mean to us, and how they seem to fade away as mere memories after. I also thought about the one who was a pet’s “person.” The “person” has connected with that pet on a whole different level, and the pet has returned the same intimate bond (for me, that was my first dog as an adult, Poppy).

That led me to think about how someone could be helped through that hard part, how to acknowledge the pain but also bring a bit of joy to their grief. When I visited my great aunt in Maine a few years ago, she hobbled around showing me different things in her house, but one area stuck with me. In her bedroom she had pictures on a special wall dedicated to important people she had lost. Her husband, brother, and nephew were all displayed there. She said that before bed each night she said a prayer for each them, pictured them in heaven as she kissed her hand and touched each picture, a small but meaningful gesture for her. I thought it was touching that she paid a daily tribute to her loved ones that were no longer with her.

Somehow, this translated in my brain to losing a pet and how it would help people to think of them in a special place, possibly feeling a little better about the loss, and imagining their pet back in the prime of their lives. Ideally, they could find some joy in their grief, when it’s fresh or long after when the pain is less so but still present.

From this, an idea turned into a real thing. I started Forever Loved Pets and created Pet Remembrance Prints, a way to celebrate the life of one’s passed pet while honoring them too. It’s a print with the image of the ideal place that pets go after they pass

the Rainbow Bridge, a “pet heaven” of sorts where all of the animals are happy, healthy, pain-free, and enjoying each day.

There is a cut-out at the top to insert a picture of one’s pet so owners can imagine their animal residing there. My hope is that it can hung on the wall and passed by each day, helping that person remember their pet in a special way in a beautiful setting, bringing a smile to their face and a little warmth in their heart.

I’m also hoping people will buy this for themselves or for others, “the person” who is grieving and needs a way to celebrate their pet; ideally, to find some joy in their grief. Losing a pet is an experience like no other. One of the hardest parts, in my opinion, is coming home to that empty food bowl that will not be re-filled. I want this print to help people through that time. There is joy to be found in grief, although it isn’t the easiest to access.

Learn more here.

If you’re interested or know someone who might be, please pass it on. Pets and their people are important. Let’s acknowledge them so they can get through a hard time with a little less pain.

Grief, Parkinson's Disease, Relationships

When Your Mom Dies

Almost everyone experiences it, but now it’s my turn to know what it’s like. As of this writing, my mom died a little over two weeks ago. She had Parkinson’s Disease for thirteen years and finally succumbed to it. My family (but mostly my brother) and I watched her go from a functioning person to someone who was completely debilitated, and then mostly unconscious. In a sense we had been mourning her for many years. Each time she would decline, mostly mentally because Parkinson’s comes with its own horrible dementia, we would grieve.

And each time it hurt to see the person I once knew so well, degrade, and leave us a little more. First, being unable to remember things, then to delusions and hallucinations, then to the mind of a small child, and finally to someone who slept about twenty-three and a half hours a day and couldn’t communicate. Physically, she went from walking to using a walker then to a wheelchair and finally bed bound. The end stage of the disease is being unable to swallow, which gradually happened, along with losing whatever appetite she had for her pureed meals. She came close to dying multiple times due to various infections and sepsis, and I was convinced that ultimately would be her demise, but she managed to recover each time, although not fully in her brain.

So, when one of the nurses decided to call hospice (for the second time) because my mom had trouble swallowing and didn’t want to eat, I wondered, could it really be the end this time? Part of me didn’t think so, she had hung in there for so long. But you can’t stop eating or drinking for too long before it all catches up with you, and it did for her. Within a week’s time, she was on the brink, and we were told that she had less than twenty-four hours. My brother was at her bedside, my other brother was called, and I picked up my daughter from a friend’s house, planning to go there straight after. But it was too late. She left us late that morning, for the final time.

And it’s this finality that we all grapple with in grief – they are not coming back, ever. Even though I went to the nursing facility and saw her expired, peaceful body lying on her bed, so obviously without life in it anymore, I was in shock that it finally happened (and still am to a degree). I now realize that there was always this small, fictional hope in the recesses of my realistic mind, my own childish fantasy, that maybe she’d get better someday. Maybe some incredible medical innovation would happen and she would walk out of there. I knew in my brain, and in a large part of my heart, that this was completely illogical and would never happen. I knew this, but that tiny, impossible hope continued on anyway. Now, it couldn’t. Knowing that is hard to accept.

The hole that’s left behind is hard too. It’s like a chunk of yourself has been removed and it can’t be replaced. Time will dull the pain of the loss and that chunk may fill in a little, but I know that it can never be whole again.

Right now, it’s the the little things I notice that signal her absence – not needing to leave my phone on at night because the nursing facility may call, not working my visits with her into my schedule, not having that topic of discussion with my brother when we have our weekly phone call. That’s all done, over.

And I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that there is a great sense of relief in that. These years, especially the last five, have been so heart-wrenching and full of sadness. Watching someone decline in that way is a slow torture. My kids have no great memories of their grandmother and in the last couple years, we had to visit her at her window (due to Covid) and, if she could see us at all through her constant sleep, it was in masks. How can I not feel grateful that it’s now over? That’s from my perspective. For her, I can’t imagine what the last thirteen years were like and I never heard her complain once about her disease. I can only hope that this last period of her life was free of pain and excessive suffering. In the end, that’s what we all hope for.

May she rest in peace.

Grief, Relationships, Self-awareness

Never Dead, Forgetfulness, and Some Regrets

Instead of covering subjects and topics in-depth as I have in the past, I’m trying something different. These are my observations from each week in April:

So I have to pay attention?
Week 1: “Forgetfulness isn’t usually a memory problem so much as it is an attention problem.” Isn’t that comforting news? On her podcast Brené Brown interviewed Dr. Amishi Jha, a neuroscientist who has studied memory and the brain. She says that when many of us get older and “can’t seem to remember where we put things,” it’s because we aren’t paying attention to where we put something, not that we’re getting dementia or that our old brains don’t work as well. My dear friend Vicki was infamous for losing her car keys since the day she got her driver’s license. It’s interesting to know that she wasn’t forgetful so much as not being mindful of where she set them down (and they could end up anywhere). However, the rest of us can still lose our glasses while they sit on top of our heads…

It’s hard to accept life sometimes.
Week 2: “You know, I’ve tried to accept this life. But it’s hard.” This was spoken by a woman being wheeled into morning activities at my mom’s skilled nursing facility. I couldn’t help but wonder, did she mean her whole life, or living in a place where most patients are at their last stages, or some other time that she regrets. And, let’s face it, there are some points in all of our lives that we’ve tried to accept, but it was hard. I’m hoping she has a better day tomorrow.

Should dead be forever?
Week 3: The concept of the show Upload on Prime offers interesting and perplexing questions. In it, the main character dies, but before doing so, his consciousness is uploaded to a server where he can continue to “live” at a resort style hotel and keep in contact with people on Earth. Of course, only those who can afford it can go (and everything there costs extra too so you must have alive, wealthy people paying for you). The idea presents some thoughtful questions, like should we stick around after death, even as consciousness, and still be in contact with the living? Would we want everyone we know who has died to be around forever? And when we die, would we rather leave this life forever or try interact with the living from afar? At different points in the show, the dead character realizes that living in a VR resort isn’t so great. He wants to be back in the land of the living, regardless of the many crappy parts. Personally, I’ll just go to the hereafter when it’s my time, wherever that is.

What’s good for some….
Week 4: “Good for her. Not for me. That is the motto that women should constantly repeat over and over again,” – Amy Poehler, Yes, Please. In her book, Amy (because we’re on a first name basis) was speaking about childbirth and the use of hospitals and painkillers during labor. A friend of hers used no drugs and birthed at home. Amy’s response was, “Good for her. Not for me,” then said that we should all be saying that to ourselves. So true. We should avoid comparing in any situation. Especially as women, where comparison and “not good enough” is bred into us as little girls. What if we just said, “Good for her. Not for me,” instead? The world would be a better place. (I’ll have to practice saying that about every Kardashian and the watchers of their show because I can’t understand why people like these women and what makes them so popular, except for their ridiculous wealth…. “Good for them, not for me.”)

Thanks for reading!

Relationships, Self-awareness

Building a Sound Relationship

Continuing on with this blog series about the couple’s workshop that my husband and I attended, this time we’ll examine what helps to make a relationship work (last time I covered what doesn’t). There are seemingly subtle things that two people can do to help build what the Gottmans’ call the “Sound Relationship House.” If you have a sound house, then you will have a positive relationship, even when conflict arises. Following are three parts that contribute to the foundation of that house. The Gottmans’ point out that these three levels make up the “friendship domain” of the relationship, but they are also the basis for “romance, passion, and good sex.” Well, okay then, let’s get to them!

Build a Love Map – a love map is essentially a map of how well you know your partner. You might say, “Well, yeah, I’ve known him for like twenty years, so I don’t need a map!” But in this case, a map is more of an understanding your partner’s past and present, your history together, his likes and dislikes, current challenges and dreams, etc. It’s not just knowing that he doesn’t like anchovies on his pizza (though that helps), but what are his current struggles, what are his goals, and what is your role in it all?

And the same goes for him. Does he know those things about you? During the workshop, we did an exercise in which we read cards with open-ended questions and took turns answering in term’s of how we thought our partner would answer. (The other person would either agree or disagree about the answer.) Some examples were: What is your partner’s biggest dream, as yet unachieved? Who is your partner’s least favorite relative? What was your partner’s favorite vacation?

The idea was to see how well we know our spouses. We might think we know exactly how they will answer every question, but sometimes we’re wrong! (I was a couple times.)

Another exercise we did, and one you can do every day, is to ask open-ended questions to each other. Examples would be: If you could re-do any decade of your life, which would you choose and why? What are your biggest worries about the future? If you could live in another country, which would you pick and why?
The idea here is to ask questions that require thought, beyond a yes/no answer, and it’s a way to keep in touch with your partner’s interests, ideas, and goals.

Share Fondness and Admiration – this one seems obvious, but how often do we actually acknowledge the positives about our spouses, and then actually tell them! You also might find that he has something nice to say back if you start with the first nicety. The idea is to build a positive outlook about the other so when certain trouble spots show up, like contempt, it doesn’t hurt so much or come up as often. During this exercise, we looked at list of sixty adjectives, anything from loving to funny to careful to gentle to sexy or kind, circled those we thought fit, then shared them with each other. It was nice to know that we still think of each other with certain positive characteristics. This is something anyone could do at home if you really wanted to, but also just telling each other positives (like “Thank you for helping around the house” or “You look great today”) will work towards building the foundation in your relationship.

Turn Towards – the last level is to turn towards your partner in everyday interactions. The Gottmans’ say that we all make “bids” to one another, which are gestures (either verbal or nonverbal) in which we are seeking attention or connection from our partner. These can be small, like calling your partner’s name or asking “Did you buy toilet paper yesterday?” to large, “I need help scheduling this upcoming busy week” or “I need affection.”

There are three ways we can respond to these bids. The first is to Turn Towards, which means acknowledging your partner in a positive way. This can be in answer to the above questions or in small ways like helping him or her out, making a favorite meal, giving a spontaneous hug, or bringing out the garbage. The second way is to turn away, which means ignoring your partner completely (we realized in this workshop that giving no repsonse to a question is still turning away, that one of us does this, and it’s really annoying!). The last way is to turn against. Turning against means responding angrily like, “No, I didn’t buy toilet paper. Go buy it yourself!”

From research and observation, the Gottmans’ saw that newlyweds turned towards each other 86% of the time. Of those newlyweds, who got divorced six years later turned, they turned towards only 33% of the time.

The Gottmans’ say that each interaction in which we turn towards contributes to an Emotional Bank Account. Positive interactions are small deposits in this bank account. When we run into trouble (i.e. conflicts or fights), this emotional bank account of positive interactions helps us through. They say “small things often” can help our relationships overall.

To me, this idea applies not only to our spouses, but to our kids, family, and friends as well. What do you do to contribute to the Emotional Bank Accounts in your relationships?

Relationships, Self-awareness

The Four Horseman Lurking in Your Relationship

Last month, I posted about a couple’s workshop that my husband and I attended. It was called “The Art and Science of Love,” created by John and Julie Gottman. They have studied and researched couples and marriages for years, and they have learned a lot!

To continue on with what I learned during the workshop, following are problem-causing behaviors and what the Gottmans’ call the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” Apparently, they are so detrimental to a marriage that their namesake says it all. They are as follows: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling.

Criticism – we all know what that is; we’ve all given it and received it at some point! They are referring to statements like, “You’re so boring (lazy, annoying, stupid, etc),” and using statements that begin with “You never” or “You always.” Essentially, these criticisms imply there is something wrong with your partner’s character. They found that women often criticize more than men (don’t worry, men aren’t perfect either). Their guess is that women may feel ignored by men with they complain then these complaints escalate to criticism over time.

Defensiveness – is any attempt to defend or protect oneself, as well as to ward off any perceived criticism. It can be seen in righteous indignation or the innocent victim stance, as well as counter-attacking or whining.

Contempt – is the worst of them, according to the Gottmans, and the most harmful to a marriage. To be contemptuous means a spouse will put the other down and feel superior. They label it as a position in which one thinks “I’m better/smarter/kinder/stronger/etc than you are.” They also find a certain mindset that can accompany contempt: a negative pattern or habit where the spouse scans the situation or environment for the other’s mistakes rather than what can be appreciated or what is positive (thus leading to criticism). By observing contempt, they found it to be the best predictor of divorce or break-up.

Stonewalling – is the last and the one they found that men do more than women. Essentially, it means withdrawing from the conversation/interaction, etc. The spouse would stay in the room, but not give any cues that he is listening. He might turn his body away, look down, or cross his arms. He is basically shutting the other person out. They point out a common pattern here with the woman criticizing while the man stonewalls.

Are you good friends with any of these horsemen? Being critical and defensive stands out to me as things that I probably do. The Gottmans liken criticism and contempt to fighting, being defensive as a form of flight, and stonewalling is like freezing up. I guess I’m willing to fight then run away!

Thankfully, they offer antidotes to these buggers, and I’ll post them next time. In the meantime, you can observe your own relationship (or others) and see if any horsemen are hanging around. An interesting experiment!